drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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