if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
