im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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