I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize