Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
