you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
