So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
