Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
