Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
