What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Let's get the cat blown out
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
