I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
