Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
