That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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