She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
