im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
