i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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