Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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