Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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