I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
