he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
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Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
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You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed