When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
