how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
