i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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