And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
