i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
