If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
