dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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