I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
