Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
