One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
