My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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