i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
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I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
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don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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