probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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