Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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