You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
