Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
