Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I puked a lego.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
