There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
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Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
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I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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