I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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