OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Randomize
