I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza