She even gives head with a lisp.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
