yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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