when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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