You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
