I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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