She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
