Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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