So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
