Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
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