Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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