You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
