Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
