I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
you will always have a special place in my vag
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Green mimosas i think yes
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The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
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I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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