Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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