Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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