hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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