highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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